Being bed bound over the last week, I've had plenty of time to analyse myself over and over. From that time when I'd just had a really shitty day and cried because my mum wouldn't buy me a kitkat, to when I was told the extent of my injury and having not cried throughout the entire breaking-process, I burst into tears in front of the Doctor. These are two fairly minimal examples, but I just wanted to discuss the idea of 'feelings', and the taboo surrounding feelings.
I've always been self admittedly a crier. I cry at books and films and there are times where I put my heart and soul into something and just because it hasn't gone the way I've wanted it to, I've cried. But I've always been a private cryer, somebody who doesn't care if people know I cry at titanic, but when real life big, adult sad things happen, I tend not to show emotion. Reverting back to the Doctor incident of last week, I was mortified at my lack of self control and I was so embarrassed I'd actually shown emotion I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. This week in fact, I've been crying a lot. From the kitkat incident, to falling over in the town centre and each time I do it, or come close, I try to regain self control as quickly as possible, not because I particularly want to. But because I'm embarrassed. And I am 99% sure I'm not alone in this.
I've come to realise it's okay to get upset about something, anything. If you put your heart and soul into a boy and it doesn't work out, then it's okay to be upset. If you work your arse off on an essay and it's returned with a grade you're not happy with, it's okay to feel disappointed. If you invest yourself into a book character and they die, why is it so embarrassing to cry at their death? Recently both David Bowie and Alan Rickman have died, and I can honestly say when I'd found out Alan Rickman died, I had a lump in my throat, and I am sure I'm not alone, but I didn't tell anyone. Crying in a hospital because you've found out you can't function properly for a few weeks is also completely and utterly okay.
Rest safe in the knowledge, you feeling this way, you feeling like you want to cry or feeling disappointed or heartbroken, is a part what makes you a human being. It's the beautiful function of showing you have the capability to care and invest into something or someone external to yourself.
Humans have such a 'build a bridge and get over it' attitude, but surely to stand there and proudly say you cared enough about something to have strong feelings about it going wrong, is far better and far more of an achievement than not caring at all, losing the inability to care and keeping yourself separate from external emotions.
I strongly believe giving teeny tiny pieces of your heart away is wonderful. Not to thousands of men, but to everything you do in life. When those pieces don't go the way you want them to, they just return and although they may take their time, eventually you should be ready to find another place for them. I would never go up to a fellow human being and tell them to stop caring, to stop giving so much of themselves, so why should you tell it to yourself? Why hide how much you cared and how much you loved?
Empathy and sympathy are what makes us who we are. It's a wonderful thing, to care so much it hurts. We're lucky to have the ability to do so, and it should not be hidden, it should be the driving principle to get you through the bad.
Ciao for Now!