As we all know, chaos and trouble have an extremely unfortunate habit of following me about. This is of course, very unfortunate for me, but something I am well used to by now. However, my loss is your gain. Because where I had to go through the experience in order to learn my lesson, you lovely ladies can sit in the leisure of your home, horizontally reading this blog, laughing at my misfortune. There are plenty of lists on the world wide web about lessons to younger selves, things people wish they'd known... But when I read them, I find myself thinking 'I already know men are going to break my heart, I don't need warning' etcetc, so I thought I'd put together a more practical list to help make your lives all that little bit easier. Sending chocolates and ice cream this way will totally do as a mean of thanks...
1) One layer of fake tan does change your skin tone. Wait it out. Do not reapply immediately. You will turn orange and you will have PE/Gym Class the next day where you're made to wear shorts.
2) Whatever they say about filling your body with healthy nutrients to help you during your period, nothing tastes better than eating Ben and Jerry's from the tub whilst you lie in bed and watch Titanic. Nothing. Don't deny yourself of that chocolatey creamy goodness if you want it.
3) If you want to attract boys, playing the Trombone is not the answer. Or the tuba.
4) The 'popular' group are annoying and bitchy in every school, but don't write every single member off. The same way you might have a lot of friends but not feel like you fit in, the chances are a couple of them feel the same. On that note, don't go out of your way to become popular. You will soon learn that popularity is about how many friends you have, not about how many people bitch about you behind your back.
5) Don't start shaving your legs if you don't need to. It may sound cool and grown up at 11 or 12, but soon enough you will mourn for the day you never had to think about shaving.. anything.
6) When you're alone at home and you order your weight in take out, it is an obligation to shout 'FOOD'S HERE' as you run down the stairs salivating at the thought of the pizza-y goodness. The delivery guy knows it's just for you, and you know it's just for you, but at least you made the effort to hide the fact you are going to gorg on a feast under a blanket watching Game of Thrones.
7) Whatever the problem, F.R.I.E.N.D.S is always the answer
8) If you've put on a yoga outfit, sat on a yoga mat (rug) and crossed and uncrossed your legs a couple of times, you are totally allowed to count it as yoga.
9) Sometimes running for the bus just isn't worth it. In fact, it rarely is worth it.
10) Having a thousand Facebook friends just isn't cool. It was never cool, it never will be, and the amount of crap on your timeline will make you regret every time you clicked that 'accept' button.
11) Waiting to lose weight before you go to a gym to lose weight is something that doesn't really make sense, but then it also just really does make sense.
12) Almost anything tastes better with peanut butter.
13) Use my Free Food Free Calorie rule, it will make you feel a lot less guilty, even when you know it's complete rubbish
14) Don't wear white leggings. Ever. In fact, make it a mission to burn all white leggings in existence.
15) Dogs are way better than cats. It's a fact. But don't be mean to felines because they will probably take over the world some day.
16) If you want a clean bedroom, make your bed. It makes a world of difference.
17) Stretch marks happen to everyone. On the boobs, on the legs, sometimes on the arms. They happen, don't panic, it doesn't mean you're fat. It means you're growing. In fact, you can get them from losing weight.
18) Never leave anything by the stove. Ever. Even when the stove isn't on. You will forget about it. (I am one tea towel and a postcard down)
19) Always feel free to shout at the idiot on the plane who is talking about 9/11 and the Bermuda Triangle and Malaysian Airlines 370 and that plane crash on Neighbours.
20) What looks good on the shop dummy, probably won't look half as good on you. It's a life fact and the sooner we get over it, the better.
21) Fancying Beyonce and Rachel McAdams and Emilia Clarke does not make you a lesbian. It makes you human. Sometimes the lines of whether you want to be them or be on them are just a bit blurred.
22) ...See Below
Let's be honest, the chances are you probably haven't learnt much. But I hope you enjoyed the post none the less! If you have any life hacks that you feel a burning need to share, feel free to comment with suggestions, God knows I need all the help I can get!
Ciao for Now!